moving on.. moving up

so much time and consideration, only to be wrong?
given the chance, and dropping the ball.
making empty promises, one's never to be kept; to self; to God.
never in the sense that at no point, in making those promises did one ever feel like what they were saying was true and good.
a clear decision, that through guilt and total dissatisfaction with self, self was no longer good enough.
self was never good enough.
deeds were never good enough.
I was never good enough.
I will NEVER be good enough.
I CANNOT do this on my own.
Mistakes are a way of life, not a chosen path, or an easy way out, but they do happen.
no matter what, as long as you are trying to please God, you will never leave the path He has set before you in life. never.
the risk is not taking the chance, it is the chance not taken.
you are liable not for the mistakes you make but the times you make the mistake and dont fix it.
Discernment is not from people. it is God's way of keeping our emotions and hearts in check in order for His spirit to be able to fulfill our souls with all that God has in store for us.
"People often want direct and clear guidance in areas of their lives that cause them stress or concern. We fear to choose mates, jobs etc. We worry that we might cause ourselves or our loved ones grief. But even mistakes are part of God's program for our growth and development, never fear! Obey the Word and know that you can not step outside of God's will. For after all, in Him we move and live and have our being" (Steve Shermett)

finally, a list worth noting! if nothing more.. that was more a story of where i have been in my life. some more recently then others. some revisited. but the step by step of recognition of not being good enough for heaven, and accepting that fact, in my life.

moving heavily away from the controversial post.. or the not so controversial post, however you look at it. after my last post i had my second soccer game of the day, in which we lost 3-0. it was a closer game then the score would indicate, and taking into consideration the fact that the team we lost to had won their semi-final 6-0 and has won the last 2 state championships, and 6 of the last 7, it was not such a big deal to have lost. 2nd in state is not bad anyway. i had fun playing with the kids from wichita. they were very accepting, thankfully. maybe i will play for them again, i dont know. the wedding started on thursday.. yea, thursday, when joel and his girlfriend lorie got to Topeka. she is very nice, a real keeper.. matt and laura lee got here on thursday night. friday afternoon kayla arrived. friday night was wedding rehersal. that went well. we had dinner with the whole wedding party, which was a lot of fun. got to meet some of matt's inlaws. "yeah" for holidays getting hectic!! the wedding was saturday morning. the boys had our pictures at 10. this meant getting up at 8. no big deal. we got done and left to get some coffee so the girls could get there and not be seen. that would have worked, had the girls been on time. so they had to do their pictures after the wedding. how typical. the wedding itself went well. all in all it was a fairly unstressful day. thank God. i also didnt play a huge part, so that may not be the case for any weddings i am a part of in the future. we had lunch with the wedding guests at 12:15. the reception was at 2, and we left by 5:45 or 6. thank you's to everyone who helped out at all, or participated. it made things so much easier on me at least. matt and laura lee left for their honeymoon saturday after the wedding, and kayla left sunday morning, and joel and lorie left sunday afternoon. HECTIC HECTIC HECTIC.. not hectic. it ended twice as fast as it started. it was a lot of fun having everyone around. in case you guys didnt know, i just had a brother get married, and i have sister who got engaged a couple weeks ago. i am extremely happy for the both of them. many things to come i guess. i will try to get a link to some pictures from the wedding and rehersal stuff soon. i am not exactly competent with digital cameras and such.

i played soccer like 12 times in the last 2 weeks. i decided i need a break. maybe a week or two will allow me some healing time. well, work beckons. summer blast approaches!! i should go register.. hmm.. i hope power trip was awesome. softball was fun last night. we won 16-8, but were forced to forfeit. go figure. we cant catch a break. we played really well too. oh well. it was fun none-the-less. have a great week.

Geezz...

So, i think i milked about everything out of that last post that i possibly could. for those of you who werent aware, the situation between ben and i was made up. we planned to have it going for a while, but due to some comments and such, we decided we should stop. i was interested in giving the blogger world a little bit of life, and recognized the reaction and feedback that Doug received with 'blindside'. there were no malice thoughts or ill feelings of ne kind toward either ben or jacob. if that wasnt gathered by ben's initial comment, or the seemingly sarcastic tone that was used, further comments should have told you something wasnt right. so, i guess that this first paragraph was directed for the most part at anonymous person(s) that commented. its really sad, but there really isnt ne thing i can do about it except write this post.

ANYWAY... soccer last friday, got cancelled on saturday and sunday, and then played again monday, tuesday, and wednesday. Fri. we tied 3-3 after leading 2-0 and 3-2. monday we won 4-3 after leading 3-0, and 3-1 at half. tuesday we won 2-0. wednesday (this morning) we won 2-0, and we play in the State Championship at 4. it will be intense. we play the team that has won state like 6 out of the last 7 years. it will be a good game. i have really liked playing with these boys from wichita. it has been a good experience. and a coach from hesston asked about me... show me the money!! lol, but i have a whole 'nother year to go before i HAVE to choose.

A.G. was soo much fun. refer to staci's blog for details about activities. it was well done this year, and i think i like the format of everything being all at once. there were many a late night, and good times by all, hopefully. what really sucked was having to go get shots for mission's trip on thursday afternoon, after getting to bed at 5 and getting up and leaving the house by 9. getting home and going to do some yardwork because i decided i didnt want to/couldnt work on thursday. i got done with shots and went to church for some AG then i tried to ride my bike around for meals on wheels, which wasnt going to happen. my arm hurt so much. typhoid shots hurt like a mother. then we watched Wait Until Dark, which kind of happened... then i went home to sleep because i hadnt hardly slept in the last 2 days. every day i went to work at school from 8-11 or 12 then went to church, and not getting much sleep those days was killing me. friday, i worked from 8:30-11. go figure i slept in.. then i didnt go to AG because i had a 6 o'clock game. after my game, i went home, and ate. saturday i had the ACT.. that was gross, but it went alot better this time, so i am interested to see my score. if i dont do better, i swear.. saturday night, hannah K. and Jacqueline my sister and i watched the Ring. susanna and jaq and thomas and i had watched the 6th sense on tuesday. this was my first experience with both of these movies. i know, i know. but i have seen them NOW. sunday i went to church and then i was supposed to have a game, but didnt, then was going to, and didnt. it was pretty frustrating. then i went over to Mark and Katies with Jaq for some nerts and food, and Dr. Mario on Nintendo. classic. it was a good night. well, i have another game in 2.5 hours, and Bible study tonight, so maybe i will skip out on speed scrabble with the 'working' people, and take a much needed nap. tomorrow starts the end of sanity at our house for the next week. joel and his girlfriend get here late tonight, and kayla gets here possibly with fiancee on friday. the wedding rehearsal is friday night, and matt gets married on saturday. then there is the reception, and craziness after that. Geezz... (note title) it still hasnt sunk in yet. i realize it has been some months that they have been engaged, but maybe i just never took it seriously. little sleep is in my future. i guess i can deal with it.

i am very interested in seeing Mr. and Mrs. Smith. judging by Nathan's reaction, i am more encouraged. although he is the same one who liked 'The Notebook', but still. well, i guess scrabble wins today. the nap will end up just being my good night. oh well. hope thomas is having an awesome time on the cruise. talk to everyone soon.

This is what it's all about!

In case anyone has ever tried the link to "the rope" you are now able to do so. i guess i just had an extra slash at the end of the hyperlink which apparently was the whole problem. so after 2 months of having that on my sidebar and it not working, that is a pretty crappy reason for it not to have worked. oh well.

so, this summer i thought was going to be freaking awesome, but it hasnt started off that way. first of all, i really want to go swimming, and i havent gotten to. second of all, i havent been able to work outside a whole lot, partially because it has been raining, but also because of my job at topeka high. so it isnt that hard, but i have to work with jacob scholl and ben nelson. jacob, who only talks about basketball and girls, while ben rants about these stupid movies nobody has ever heard of, playing them up like they are amazing, when actually the only thing amazing about them is that, thankfully, the subtitles are turned off, and you cant understand just how dumb they really are. then he bashes my music, you arent the only one dana, and thinks putting me down is his job for the day, as obviously we dont have a real job. i hope we go down to the gym some time next week. maybe we will play dodgeball or something, then i can hit them in places of meaning. i dont really know what the deal is. i just cant stand being around them. this is going to be a long summer.

moving on, mission's trip is really going to suck now. ben is going to that too. i might have been able to bear it if i wasnt working with him every day of the week now. i hope God has a different plan for ben, otherwise i will have to make it for him.

so i guess that wasnt exactly moving on, but i am just so frsutrated right now. i wish someone would tell me i am better then i really am so that i can feel good about myself even though i know what i am doing is really ridiculous. i mean i dont give ben a reason to hate me. i guess immaturity is bred by those foolish minds of which cant contend that what they are doing is ne thing other than what is good and what is normal. abstract, but nothing wrong. sad i know.

well, summer sizzle is next week. i am looking forward to that. nothing can stop me!! oh yeah, its supposed to rain. FOR THE NEXT WEEK. soccer next friday at 6 out at the complex. saturday @4, and sunday morning at 8. further updates if we are moving on.